Back to the Beginning - But Not Quite!

Wow, so I started this blog in September 2012 and did sooo well! I lost 16 kilos in 8 months - then I crashed and burned.

Familiar?

Well if you too have begun and failed (or so you think), read on....

 

I may be the same weight (actually 1 kilo more) today than when I began this blog, BUT I'm a whole different person. And this is the thing so many people forget!!! It's not just about your weight, your size or how you look. Those things are relatively important, however something that is just as important - or more, is how you learn to love yourself and care for yourself. It's about health -  not only in what you put in your mouth, but your mental and emotional health too.

Yeah, I'm as overweight as I was before, but I don't hate myself nearly as much - in fact, I don't hate myself at all. I don't even hate my body. I hate what I have done to my body, and I hate how my body looks because of this. But, just as I am kind, understanding and forgiving to everyone I meet, I am now, to myself.

So, I gained weight again, that's OK, I'm human. I'm a loving, kind, honest, generous woman who loves and gives unconditionally. I am more than my weight. My weight or size does not define who I am. However, I want to be healthy. I want to care for my amazing body that never quits no matter what I throw at it. I want to be fit enough to hike more mountains, to run, to play and to enjoy everything life has to offer. I want to go to the beach and play with my gorgeous new nephew without feeling embarassed. I want to hike with my friends. I want to join a bushwalking club. I want to run along the beach smelling the salt air. I want to travel.

I want to PUSH MY BOUNDARIES!

All of this feels totally unachievable being 109 kilos. Yep, 109 kilos!!!. An awful, heavy, hot, sweaty, uncomfortable 109kg.

Sure, I have reasons - but really, are they excuses?!?! I have been unhappy in my job for a number of years for a certain reason. Do you feel the same? Well, our job is a HUGE part of our life! And so, if your job is crap, your life is crap!!! If you're brought down or  feel awful 8-10 hours a day EVERY day, then hell, who wouldn't feel crap!?!?! BUT, we need to remember that life is not meant to be easy! If you don't like it, fix it - or at least try, If you can't fix it, change it!! I am a true believer that if you don't like your job and you have tried to make it better - then you need to find something else that makes you happy. You can't spend 8-10 hours a day hating your life or wishing you had a different life.

If you dislike your job - make it better or find another one. If you feel you cant, then educate yourself, up-skill yourself, hell, volunteer!! Do whatever you have to, to make your work-life enjoyable. At the very least, come to terms with  your job, accept that it isn't perfect, but hey, you HAVE a job, and find things outside of work that make working worthwhile - like travel!!

My work-life was destroying me - literally. I have been off work for a month and am a COMPLETELY different person. Being someone who blames themselves before everyone and everything else, I thought it was me, but being away for a month, I now see, it was not. I was in a toxic environment that I will no longer endure. My heart was pounding out of my chest at an unnatural rate. I had ectopic beats and tachycardia. I could barely sleep and had to take sleeping tablets to try to get a little. I was stressed, anxious, I was on edge - I was a mess. And now, after a month away from the toxic environment, I am calm, happy, social, I sleep well, I have no heart palpitations - I can barely feel my heartbeat now.

I am happy.

Where I used to avoid social gatherings, I seek them. Where I recoiled from attention I enjoy it, and where I was anxious to even leave my home, I willingly seek out new experiences.

I am not a recluse. I am not terribly damaged, and I am not an exception to the rule. I am merely a woman who, because of life's challenges, have chosen food as her savior - and because of an improved self-esteem and self-worth, I no longer will.

So, if you're overweight - join me! If you're thin but want to be healthier - join me! If you want to support me - please, join me!!

This is the beginning second time around, and I want to be fully transparent, open and honest as before, but this time, I want to DO IT!!!!

Thank you so much for reading, and thank you so much for your support. If you know anyone who might enjoy, or even better, benefit from reading my blog, please share. And if this is the first post you've read, please read my first post ever 

From Rock Bottom Up

See you in a few kilos!!!!

V. xx

P.S. Below are some recent photos of which I am incredibly embarrassed to share, however, I am sharing...

I am Human, Therefore Imperfect

So here I am, 12 months later, and back where I started. Crap.

I started at 108 kilos, was so enthusiastic and ABSOLUTELY, without a shadow of a doubt, believed this was IT!!!! I was finally going to lose the excess weight I'd been carrying for years, and never return.

Not so.

I lost weight quite easily, I didn't really struggle with the eating plan as it was sensible - and tasty. Luckily I don't have much of a sweet tooth so I didn't struggle with cravings for lollies, chocolate or desserts. I did struggle with craving champagne however!

Interesting...

Champagne is social, fun, extravagant, delicious! It's normal and sociable to have a glass or two of champers. It conjurs up images of laughter, pretty dresses, friends and fun.

And for a long time that's all I thought it was.

However, I have come to realise that I just swapped my eating addiction to a champagne addiction. Not to be confused with an alcohol addiction. I have heaps of alcohol in my apartment left over from parties etc - not interested in drinking any of that. Just champagne. Why? It gives me that same pleasure, that same "yummy" feeling that food does. I was fooled!!!!

My glass or two of champagne once a week slowly increased, but there were weeks where I would have none. It wasn't effecting my weight so I wasn't concerned. Champagne wasn't even on my radar so it snuck up on me as I was so focused on food.

At the same time, life was pretty good. Of course I had the usual ups and downs that life throws us all, but I was doing well.

Then I had some big dramas. And the drinking increased. A whole bottle on a friday night - I rationalised to myself that work was really getting to me and I needed it after a big week. Then it turned into 1.5 and sometimes 2 bottles. I would spend the next day nursing a terrible hangover and eating crappy, fatty, disgusting fast food.

Then my physical injuries and ailments that I have carried for years worsened - constant pain screws with your head!! It really gets you down. That in turn effected my job and worsened my other problems. My job security was practically zilch and I began hating myself. Then in that vicious cycle, the stress worsened the physical pain - and so on...

The scales started to show the weight increasing. I went from 108 kg to 92 kg, and slowly but surely I reached 99kg again. I was determined it was not going to hit 100kg!!! But it did. The increasing weight was an added upset to everything else going on in my life.

Then I became terribly depressed. My depression was so bad that there were weekends when I would get home from work on friday night and not leave the house again until work on monday morning. I'd be in my pyjamas the whole weekend. It was even a struggle to have a shower. I had to force myself to wash my hair once a week - disgusting!!!! Thankfully it was long and I could just slick it up in a bun so it looked like it was meant to be like that. I wasn't sleeping, I was exhausted, I could barely get through my day at work.

And then, just at this time, with perfect timing, my sub-conscience decided to throw me a whammy and bring up a bunch of traumas from my past. Thank God I have an amazing shrink (she knows I call her that haha) who steered me through the worst of it. I also have amazing medical support! My GP helped me with medication - antidepressant, my musculoskeletal doctor helped me with my protesting body, and my osteopath (I swear he is sent from Heaven) relieved all the pain, knots and spasms. My boss at work is amazing and has been incredibly supportive to help me through this time despite the fact that my dramas are really effecting my team at work - making me hate myself even more.

And then there are my angels - my friends, who love me unconditionally. Who don't judge me (oh dear, a few tears are trying to pop out), and who listen, discuss and rationalise with me, they have supported me through it all with love and understanding. They saw me write myself off with alcohol. They tried to gently persuade me to stop whilst I was in the midst of guzzling champagne - however I was unstoppable. They told me it was OK, and not to be so hard on myself the next day when I was hating myself with such ferocity I cannot describe. My beautiful friends would tell me it was just a phase, that I was just having a tough time and it would pass. And although they hated seeing me do that to myself, and were truly upset seeing it, they worried about me, and they loved me.

My God I love those girls. Netty, Dee, Ness and Anna, you guys mean so much to me I cannot explain. You've seen me at my worst and yet you love me still. I love you guys with all of my heart and soul.

So, here I am, 108kg again today, roughly a year later, but now with a very different attitude.

I don't know how fast I'll lose it this time, but I'm going to try. I'm being realistic - its fucking hard!!!! Most people who are quite overweight (and many people who aren't) have had a really shit time in life. And many of us don't know how to deal with it. It's just not as easy as all these TV programs, 12 week, 6 week, 2 week friggin plans lead us to believe. It isn't just put this in your mouth, not this, and go exercise. For many of us it goes so much deeper than that!

I am grateful that food (and for a short time champagne) was my vice, and not drugs. However, you can go "cold turkey" with drugs - but not food. Its like telling a heroin addict to have just a tiny shot that gives them no pleasure at all, 3-4 times a day, but never to have more. I'm no drug and alcohol expert but I'm pretty sure there's not one heroin addict that could do that. Sometimes I think food addiction is the hardest one to kick.

The trick? Find something NOT harmful to help you deal with your feelings. Don't reach for a chocolate, a pizza, that scotch or glass of champagne. Find something else that is not harmful that helps you calm down or express yourself.

I love to draw so I have bought sketch pads, pencils and a "learn how to draw" book. I love make-up and sometimes just sit on the floor in front of my mirrored wardrobe and try different ideas on myself. I now often turn off the TV and listen to music, and I'm in the process of learning how to start my vertical herb garden that my incredibly talented brother-in-law made and is sitting on my balcony becoming me to create something wonderful.

And, finally, just this last weekend I managed to get pretty and get out of the house with my beautiful mummy and have a fun night out with some of my family watching a crazy-ass play my cousin was in (love you Sammy). It was fun to get pretty and even more fun to see my family. (pics below)

So, my humble apologies for not writing for so long, I really didn't know what to write whilst in the midst of my own personal hell. I'm certainly not out the other side, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am certain I will get there. Thank  you so much for your support and your interest in my blog and my story. I hope my open and honest posts touch some of you to love yourself more and be more understanding of others on their journey.

Big hugs,

V. xx

Cruisin' in Meh Land

Update time! My last post was just over 2 months ago, describing how I was struggling to write about my weight loss journey as I was in "Meh Land".

Well, what did you think about Meh Land? Been there? There right now? Think its good/bad/neither??

Well, Im still there, still crusin along in Meh land - and I've still  lost 5.5 kilos!

Meh land isn't so bad.

I think we all need a breather now and then - life is not like "The Biggest....... ummm, not winner"  - you know what I mean. We aren't shacked up in a training centre, health retreat surrounded by motivation and removed from temptation. We're working, living, socialising, we have kids, family, commitments.

Life gets in the way from time to time, and you fall off the horse, but if you quickly pick yourself back up and get straight back on that horse, you will still be trotting off into the right direction.

So, Im 92.2 kilos (almost 16 kilos down), and this week I'm shifting gear. 'Im saying seeya to Meh Land for now, and getting back to the more determined, the more motivated, the harder work of getting healthier and getting my weight down further. I've had my rest, I've had my fun - and still lost weight. But, its time to get back to business!

Have you been cruising in Meh Land? Its all good! Jump in my car and join me on the next leg of the awesome journey!!!

Cheers,

V. xx

See you in a few kilos!!

What the hell ?!?!?

Well, I haven't posted for a while - that's because I don't know what the hell to write about?!?!?

Ginny isn't getting skinny very quickly!!!!

Don't get me wrong, Im back on track. I have dragged my ass up early for gym 4 times in the last week. My eating has been clean and I have stopped the booze!

My weight today was 97.5 kg which is a happy distance away from the 108 kg I was at the beginning of this journey.

I think I have two reasons I feel like I don't know what to write about:

1 - I'm in "meh" land, where 'Im not finding it difficult, but I'm also not finding myself bursting with enthusiasm. I guess this is the "one step in front of the other" phase.

2 - I have been going through A LOT of personal, emotional stuff and don't feel like the world wants to hear my problems.

I want this blog to be an enjoyable read - with wise words punctuated with lot's of laughs and giggles along the way! So this, "meh" phase isn't terribly interesting to write about.

For many people, I guess this is a danger time. Many people who are on a journey to losing weight, getting fit, or defeating some habit/addiction they have may lose enthusiasm at this point - because its not that hard, so you drop your guard, and because its "meh" you can lose motivation .

This to me is the reason why people who are looking for a quick fix often fail. Once you're in "meh land" you want the excitement back. The drama! Those swings of emotion you get when either you first start and you are all enthusiastic with all these plans and dreams, or when you are berating yourself for falling off the wagon and psyching yourself to get back on.

I'm not having that. I'm not hating myself for doing the wrong thing, and I'm not applauding myself for being so amazing either. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, about a third of the way along my journey.

What I'm learning is that "meh land" is good. When there is no drama, no hating, no chastising or critisicing, no pep talks or psyche-up sessions, there is time for you. For life. Time to enjoy the now. Time to do that old cliche - stop and smell the roses.

Much of my life has been a roller-coaster of frightening drops from giant highs, plummeting into darkness, with the exhilarating shot back up to the light. Heart pounding, hair whipping around. Stomach in knots, eyes watering. That roller-coaster may be exciting, but it didn't pause at the edge of that rose bush where you could smell the sweet perfume. It didn't stop at the summit to overlook the stunning scenery of those gorgeous mountains being swathed in a shawl of soft cloud. It didn't pause on the beachside where you could taste the salt in the air. It whizzed you around so fast you could barely see!

I'm off that roller-coaster, cruisin' through "meh land" - and I like it!

Life is a journey. Through all different lands, all kinds of scenery. Don't compare one place to another. Don't dismiss one or dislike one because another seemed better. Enjoy all of the different destinations in your life - the beaches, the deserts, the summits, the valleys. Savour each place for its unique quality, and take a piece of it with you as you keep moving forward.

Never give up, and never take life for granted. Walk. Smell. Savour. Breathe. Laugh. Cry. Love.

Life is a beautiful journey - enjoy every day of yours.

 

V xx

Taking Your Eyes Off The Ball

 

Yeah, I admit it - I got a bit cocky. I got through Christmas without gaining weight even though I ate and drank more than I would normally. So I did what many of us do - I took my eyes off the ball. I got complacent, and honestly, I think a little cocky. I figured I was getting away with eating & drinking, so I amped it up.

 

 

I think another thing that happened was that my diet sneakily and slowly went slightly off-course. My little trip to Maccas to get a burger that I took off most of the bun, turned into all of the bun - plus some chicken nuggets. My weekly  night out with a bottle of champagne became a couple of nights a week, with a couple of bottles. When a night out never ended in a hangover, it now was - meaning more hangover food, and less activity.

So here I am, giving myself a swift kick up the bum. I gained 2 kilos, and am back to 100.4 kg this morning. I'm not fussed as I know it comes off easily, and I think that's a really important thing for us all to remember. Beating yourself up doesn't help - a kick up the butt is fine however! But don't guilt yourself into feeling like crap - be nice, be understanding, AND STOP.

I think this is a danger area for so many people - you take your eyes off the ball, gain weight or go backwards in whatever it is that has been your goal, and you flagellate yourself, which makes you feel awful, which in turn, makes it harder to be positive and move on. You stay in the past, dwell on the negative, and this inevitably makes you repeat the unwanted behaviour.

Don't be mean to yourself - love yourself! Have compassion for yourself as you do others. Treat and speak to yourself the way you would a friend who has fallen off the wagon.

So, the silly season is over, I'm nudging the steering wheel and getting back on-course, and if you, like me, have veered a little, I encourage you to get back to it - without guilt or criticism. It's been fun, nobody is perfect, and as I have said before, you just need to be persistent.
 
 Back to it!!!

See you in a few kilos. xx

Silliness in the Silly Season

So, we all do it - the work Christmas lunch, the friends Christmas get-together, Christmas drinks with various friends and groups. The hangover food the following day - followed by more drinking. Then comes Christmas - a day (or two) of eating non-stop a whole bunch of food you wouldn't normally eat. Trifle for breakfast, croissants smothered in jam & cream, fruit mince pies, chocolate, fruit cake, chips and dips. Ham turkey AND lamb on one plate! You try to be good and fill your plate with salad and veggies, but you also have a glass of champagne in the other hand. You eat, you drink, you feel sick, you swear you wont do it again. But then the next day there are mountains of leftovers - so you have to eat it. And so continues the eating and drinking too much theme. New years eve approaches and you start telling  yourself "There's no point stopping now, I have new years yet. But I'll stop after that". So you still drink more alcohol than you would normally, and you eat food you wouldn't normally eat, all while telling yourself its OK because in a few days THAT'S IT!

Well my friend, if this is you, don't despair, you are normal. They don't call it "the silly season" for nothing. The best way to tackle it is what my mum calls "harm minimisation" Sure, you might be perfect, but most of us arent. So if you overindulge, dont berate yourself, just enjoy it and stop early, or add lots of water, go for a walk, look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you love your body and want to take care of it. Try not to put toxins into it, or if you do, try to put in less. Just try your best to look after your health, stop when you think to stop, and don't do the "well it's too late now" thing to yourself - it's never too late!

Just yesterday I was at work and there were heaps of left-over Christmas cakes and sweets around, I eventually gave in and grabbed a fruit mince tart - pure sugar! I chewed it and it tasted soooo sweet! So, I spat it out and threw the rest away! Never too late!

Enjoy the silly season, cherish the time spent with friends and family. have heaps of fun and live life to the full! If you overindulge or get a bit silly this silly season, never fear, it's all a part of life - enjoy it, embrace it, and then move along!

This weight loss journey has been interesting for me. It has been relatively easy but I think that is because I'm not putting huge expectations on myself. I'm not setting myself up to fail. This silly season my goal has not been to keep losing weight - for me, that's unrealistic! 'Im a really social person and I enjoy my bubbles. So my goal instead, has merely been to not put on weight (or not much anyway). So I had lost 10 kg, and so far so good, I am still 98 kg - despite eating and drinking like it was my last Christmas! I haven't starved myself to make up for it, I just went back to the same healthy eating  I was doing before. I have been out every weekend - out again tonight, and again for NYE and I will be drinking champagne. I have had maccas hangover food - but this time, I'm eating less, I'm making better choices, and I'm not continuing it all day. I will have a burger and rip off most of the bun. I wont have chips and I only ever have sugar-free soft drink, or just soda water. I have been far from perfect, but I am really proud of myself. My weight has stayed the same and I have treated my body with more care than any other silly season before.

Thanks for reading my blog - I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and are enjoying the silly season. Have a great night welcoming in the new year and I look forward to sharing the fun and games of 2013 with you.

Big hugs - see you next year!!

Christmas in Australia = hot days, humid nights, seafood, champagne, BBQ's and beer!

Strong, Powerful Words!

I just watched this short video and was absolutely covered in goosebumps!

What a powerful message!

What an inspirational woman.

Hope you enjoy. xx

http://en.avaaz.org/1198/watch-this-and-youll-never-think-of-the-word-pretty-the-same-way-again?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social_media&utm_content=_left&utm_campaign=hot-videos&utm_term=db_newsletter

Cracking the Hundred

 

Finally!!!!!

10.5 kilos gone - booyah!

I am finally down from triple, to double digits - woo hoo!! There's something awesome about not seeing that 1 in front of the other numbers. Wow it's been slow, but I know - without a doubt - that it is permanent, and THAT is awesome!

Fast weight loss is a quick fix, a quick hit of "make me feel good", but it is only temporary, and often ends in disaster - gaining it all back again, and often even more. It's funny, so many children's stories have so much merit - remember the "slow and steady wins the race" message we all got from "The Tortoise and the Hare"? Well, it still rings true today, and particularly relevant for weight loss. In fact, the slower it is, the more permanent is is likely to be.

I have been far from perfect in my weight loss. I have eaten "naughty" stuff, I have had alcohol about a million times, and I have done pretty much no exercise. Yet, here I am, 10.5 kilos down, and still going strong. It's also good to know that I still have "things up my sleeve" for when I hit the inevitable plateau and stop losing weight at some point.

My message to you all, is that  you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be persistent. Keep chipping away at those fat cells.

See you in a few kilos!!!!

Friends - the Family You Choose

 

I may have been unlucky in some ways, but MAN, have I been lucky in the friendship department!!

If you have great friends - cherish them! Make the effort to keep in touch, spend time with them, love them! My friends are as close to me as family - they are my family!!!!

I have the most amazing friends who I have RIDICULOUS amounts of fun with!!! These girls are gorgeous, smart, strong, good, fun people - and I have made this slideshow to share some of the fun we've had.

Thanks for your love, your support, your inspiration, your laughs - and tears, thanks for putting up with me for all of these years, and thanks for all the fun! I love you all sooooo much!!!!

You fill my belly with laughs, my face with smiles and my heart with joy!

Body of Love

Im 40 years old and for my entire life, I hated my body.

I have abused it, disrespected it, treated it without care, poisoned it with drugs, alcohol, bulimia, starvation, toxins and misuse. I have not cared for it, never ever looked after it. I have looked at it and swore at it, said horrific things to it, been disgusted by it, wished it away, wished it was something else, some other body. And I have vehemently hated it.

Yet my body has never failed me, it has never given up on me, it has never faltered. It loves me unconditionally. No matter what I do to it or say to it, it responds with steadfast love. My body is a miraculous piece of artwork, designed by God. It is perfect. It has never let me down. My body has been through many trials and tribulations, many physical feats. It has hiked the Andes mountains to 4200 meters above sea level where it received only half the oxygen it needs, with completely fatigued muscles, a torn, shredded ankle and carrying 20 kilos of excess weight. My body never failed me on that trip, although my muscles screamed, my ankle kept giving way and my breath came in laboured gasps, it kept putting one foot in front of the other, in front of the other, in front of the other…

When I reached the top of that mountain I had a special moment. I cried. I realised just how amazing my body is, how no matter what obstacle placed in front of it my body just kept going. It never quit on me. When the pain was so intense it forced air out of my lungs in a sharp gasp, it did not stop. Standing on top of that mountain, looking over the magnificent scenery of that beautiful place, I cried and felt a huge flood of emotion, of love, for my body. Gratitude and thankfulness for what God has given me. And awe.

My body is beautiful, it is loving, it is kind. It is strong. It gives me my hearts desire, it never complains. No matter what I do to it, it forges ahead, it never stops. How could I hate it? I adore it. I am so grateful for it. I am so proud of it.

I am so blessed to have a body that has all its intended parts, it is cancer-free, healthy and thriving. I am so very blessed to have a perfect, healthy body.

I will never tell it I hate it again. I will love and cherish it, and nurture it like the precious gift that it is.

We worry so much about how we look, what people think of us, what size our bodies are, what shape, what proportion, when what we should be doing is taking care of it, cherishing it, loving it and being thankful for it.

In my work I meet people every day whose bodies are failing them. Their bodies do not have all the intended parts, they are not cancer-free and they are not healthy and thriving. How dare I take my body for granted when the person next to me wishes they had my health, my strength, my immune system. How dare I?

The answer is I do not dare, I shall nevermore. I shall cherish, nourish and love my body and I encourage you to realise the beauty of your body. As your body has loved you, may you forever love it.. As your body has supported you unfailingly, support it. Love your body unconditionally. And as your body has you, never, ever give up on it.


 
Hope you enjoyed :-)
Below I have posted a bunch of pics I love about loving your body.

See you in a few kilos!  xx

Don't hate on thin girls - many of them are struggling with loving their bodies too!

 

 

 

Hahahaha, It's not quite right for this post but it made me giggle  :-)

SATC (Shopping and the City)

OMG, shopping when you are a voluptuous chicky can really be veeeery confronting! Shopping in the CITY, when you are a voluptuous chicky is much, MUCH more confronting - and upsetting!

I went shopping with my gorgeous, fit, young, friend on the weekend (yes, she makes me sick  haha), looking for some outfits for her as she has lost so much weight she needed new clothes. She'd gone from a HUGE size 14 (rolling my eyes) to a size 8-10 depending on the shop (love you - you know who you are!).

So we headed into the city and went to all the funky, cool shops, bopping away to the music, laughing and chatting and buying RIDICULOUS amounts of clothing in each store. Man can we shop! Haha

We shopped for four and a half hours! Yes, that's right, four and a half!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

That translated as HELL for a bigger girl.

Firstly, all the cute clothes I lusted over would look crap on me. Secondly, many of the sales assistants ignored me or looked down their noses at me - not one of them actually asked me if I wanted assistance. In 4.5 hours of shopping. Seriously?! Thirdly, the clothes that I thought wouldn't look so bad, didn't have my size.  And fourthly, and most importantly, the clothes that had my size (or so I thought) didn't fit me. It's really upsetting pulling up a size 18 pair of pants and not being able to get them over your thighs.

Then there are all the mirrors.

OMG, to see my ass, my thighs and my double-chin from every angle almost brought me down. At one point I caught my profile and just stared at my chin. "Wow, I really look awful." I realised to myself.

It was very sobering.

So, what to do?? I'll tell you what to do - you say "Fuck it!".

It is what it is.

Getting down on yourself isn't going to help you - in fact, it's more likely to make you want to reach for that chocolate or a bag of chips. It might make you fall off that wagon and go hell for leather!

You accept it - "Yep, I'm overweight", you try to use factual words rather than abusive words ("I'm overweight", not "I'm fat"), you be nice to yourself - "Hey, I've lost 7 kilos, I'll get there", and you find the joy - "I'm having so much fun with my friend!"

I enjoyed picking out clothes for my friend and encouraging her to try different things, I was so happy for her in how great she looked and how good she felt being healthy. We had great chats and laughs, and i spent 4.5 hours of quality time with one of my best friends.

So did I have a terrible time? Nope. I had a few moments of getting upset, but I sucked it up and looked at the good stuff.

We all can do that - whether it is weight, health, relationships or circumstances. It's easy to go to that negative place and focus on all the bad stuff, but its way easier and doable if you see the good stuff. As cheesy as it was, that song was right-

 "Always look on the briiiiight siide of life...." 

See you in a few kilos...  xx

Forgive Me Father For I have Sinned

Yes, I am guilty! I have committed the ultimate sin!!! I have gained 2.5 kilos.

Fuck.

One week ago I had lost 7 kilos!!! I had gone from 108 kg to 101 kg - wooot!!! And then I let my attention slip! Losing 7 kilos made me feel so elated, successful, empowered! I had finally lost a significant amount of weight in  healthy way for the very first time - I was really proud of myself. My weight loss app on my phone told me I would reach my goal of 80kg by March 2013 - that's 28 kilos in less than 6 months! I felt like it was easy. I had support and congratulations from my friends and co-workers. People were sharing their stories, talking to me, emailing me and seeking my advice. Most amazing of all, they were telling me how my blog has motivated or inspired them. I felt so good, so happy, so right.

And then I took my eye off the prize.

I lost my focus...

...and I gained 2.5 kilos.

So, tonight I am confessing my sins!


Today, I resisted eating all of this delicious food at work for our Melbourne Cup luncheon - not one bite!!!!

 

And then tonight, I ate half a batch of cheesecake mixture, and then started on the chocolate mousse.

Ugh.

In the last few days I have eaten 2 cheesecake mixtures and about half of a batch of chocolate mousse (I threw the other half out just before writing this blog post). That's about 20,000 kilojoules.

Yep, I calculated it.

Kinda wish I had worked that out before eating it.

I also had people over on the weekend and drank champagne, and ate Indian take away (although I did pick the best thing I could I suppose), aaaaand I drank 3/4 s of a bottle of Moet to celebrate the purchase of my first ever new car - Pearl.

Pretty Pearl

These bad eating days have caused SEVERE temptation to go back to my old habits and starve myself to make up for it. But no, I will not do that to myself. They have made me hate myself, and they have made me feel really down on myself. Eating badly is not just bad for your body and physical health, it ruins your mental health too. I feel disgusting inside, and I feel sick.

So yeah, Ive been bad, really bad, and it's time to fess up and its time to STOP!

Tomorrow I will eat correctly, I will not starve, I will not skip a meal - and I will begin exercise again. I had a goal to be under 100 kg for my birthday on the 19th November, and now it doesnt look like I will make it. When I was 101.2 kg with 19 days to go it was going to be easy, now it's not likely. Oh well, shit happens, and this isn't about losing weight for a date, a holiday or a birthday, it's about losing weight from having a healthy life and feeling the benefits both physically and mentally.

We all fall down, we all lose track - but we ALL can do it.

And I will.

See you in a few kilos!!!

Ever wondered why?

"W T F ?"

Have you ever wondered "why the hell?"? Why me? Why not? Why now? Why didn't it work? Why couldn't this have happened, or that not have happened?

Yeah, me too.

Well, let me tell you the answer - because it was meant to be!

There is a grand plan for you, and everything right now, is happening as it is meant to. You have to trust these two things -

a) everything passes - the good times, and the bad times

and,

b) you can always get something good out of something bad.


I can think of half a dozen situations that baffled me at the time - and now, make complete sense.

Why did I leave everything to move to Melbourne from my home in Sydney for my boyfriend, only to catch him cheating on me and have to move back to Sydney only a couple of months after I left?

Why did I have a psychotic episode from smoking pot and then an ensuing nervous breakdown followed by years of panic disorder?

Why did I finally quit working in nightclubs to get my very first 9-5, respectable day job, to have that company go broke and make me redundant?

Why did I meet "the man of my dreams" who was a lawyer, an absolute darling of a person, who my family adored - who adored me, and was tall, dark and handsome - and feel absolutely zero attraction to him no matter how hard I tried? (and I really did try!!)

Why did a colleague of my mum's go to a workshop and in passing tell mum about it, mum mention this neuropsychologist to me, and why was I the very last patient she took on before she closed her books?

 All valid questions and all frustrating or freaky situations.

Well,

When I was 20 years old I moved to Melbourne for a few short months, because that's where I met Linda. Linda was my next door neighbor, and was a fill-in mum to me when I was 2000 km away from my mum. Linda and I would have scones and a cuppa, we would go shopping and I would drive her to the city because she was nervous driving in the city. We instantly formed a bond, that 21 years later is still strong.

Linda changed my life. Linda was absolutely instrumental in me becoming who I am today. Linda was my angel.

We would talk about stuff and Linda, being a caring, intuitive woman, introduced me to a book that I call my bible - "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. This book taught me to look inside and evaluate myself, my feelings, and my behaviour. This book taught me that because of my upbringing, I had a "map" of life that was wrong, and that I had the power to re-write that map to become a better human being. This wonderful book ignited a roaring fire in my belly for psychology that still burns today. I even bought a psychology text book and read it from cover to cover - I mean, who does that?!?!?!?

By Linda giving me that book and opening my mind to the world, my potential and the endless possibilities in my life, I began to change myself. At 21 years old I began seeing a counsellor to work on being a nice person. From that moment on, I have worked hard to better myself, pretty much every day of my life thus far, I still am, and always will be!

I will forever be grateful for my angel Linda in pointing me in the right direction in life. Yes, I had my heart broken and was shredded raw from that awful break-up, but it was a small price to pay to have been turned around a full 180 degrees, from a girl who worked in nightclubs with her criminal father, surrounded by drugs and bad people, from being someone who wasn't a very nice person, to become the honest, wise, loving, caring, nerdy scientist I am today!

My Angel  :-)

Why did I have an overwhelming, chaotic, horrifying nervous breakdown from smoking pot? Because now I am a staunch advocate for a drug-free life. Because I know what drugs can do to you. Because I am so grateful it wasn't permanent. Because I have empathy for people who haven't been so lucky. And because when I had a little sister who was under a lot of peer pressure to take drugs I was able to talk frankly and openly to her about my experience so she could make the correct decisions about her life and become the successful woman she is today.

Why did I suffer excruciatingly from panic disorder? Because I came out triumphant! I learnt how to fight, I learnt I was STRONG, and I kicked it's ass. This scary experience has enabled me to be incredibly good at working with people who are anxious, and intuitively know how to help empower them. I am able to share my experience and the tools I used (and still do) so that they might be able to gain some mastery over it. It has made me thoughtful and empathetic towards those who struggle with mental illness, and my triumph often encourages them in thinking they can win too. I am so grateful for having been through that as I am so very blessed by being able to give back to others going through tough times too.

Why did I lose my first ever 9-5 day job? Because it made me take a good hard look at my life and think "what do I want to do for the rest of my life?", and consider university.

My "perfect guy" gave me the courage and support to take a giant leap at 30 years of age, and leave everything I knew to apply for university - he even wrote me a personal referral to vouch for me in my application. His encouragement and belief in me helped me on my journey to become the person I am today!

My mums colleague told her about my psychologist who has guided me so much further than I ever thought I would be able to go. After working on myself for so long I felt that I was stuck with certain anxieties and issues - I was wrong! With Jan's help I have been able to overcome SO MUCH and become so much happier with myself and my life - and now I am blogging and sharing it with the world. Who wudda thought??

It's amazing when you look back and see how all of those turning points, those crises, how those perplexing moments have made you who you are today, and nice to know that whatever is happening now will be looked back upon with the same understanding.

So, never worry about the why's or the why not's, just look for the lesson. Learn, love your life, enjoy the journey and always remember that crisis = opportunity.

Without the bad you cannot fully appreciate the good.

Great things happen - they already are!

xx