From Rock Bottom Up

Well here I am, my butt firmly planted on Rock Bottom, staring up at the pretty blue sky. I look up and think:

              "That's where I want to be"...


I am almost 41 years old and I am not the woman I want to be.

I used to be slim, muscular, fit - and HOT!

Look what Ive done to myself!

Yes, I have reasons - I was sexually abused as a child for 10 years by 2 different people - almost every day. I was emotionally and mentally manipulated and screwed up by my father, who was a sociopath, and took his own life about a year ago. As a child, my mother was a nervous wreck (from her own battles), who I watched struggle with anxiety and fighting her demons. I grew up in a scary, toxic world full of violence, abuse, nastiness, sickness, fear and pain. I have been sexually, emotionally and mentally abused. I was bullied all through school, I was put down and criticised constantly by my father, I have been date-raped, I have had abusive boyfriends, I have been stabbed in the back and double-crossed by members of my own family. It would take an entire book to describe my life up until now.

Despite these unfortunate beginnings, with 20 years of hard work, and love and support from my amazing mum and friends,  I have managed to become a good, honest, intelligent, kind, caring, and mostly happy person. My past does not define who I am now.

The one thing that still controls my life is food.

I have binged on food since I was a little girl. Food was my saviour. Food comforted me and whisked me away from the terrible place I was back then. I thank that little girl for being so clever back then and finding something to keep us safe. To get me through to here and now. To have come through all of that with my sanity intact (mostly! haha).

Now, it is time to put that strategy aside, I don't need it anymore. No longer am I a helpless child in a torturous environment. I am a strong, intelligent, capable woman in an environment where I am surrounded by positivity, love, fun, caring and respect. I have a Bachelor degree and work in a hospital helping others. I love my job and I am good at it. My colleagues respect me and value my work. I am surrounded by the most incredible group of friends - intelligent, loving, remarkable people whom I love from the bottom of my heart and thank God for every day.

Now this bingeing on food over the years, has been coupled with purging of various designs - vomiting, laxative abuse, starvation, even alchorexia (no food, lots of wine). I have been on every diet known to man! I have taken various pills, potions, drugs and even veterinary drugs to lose weight. I have injected L-carnitine into myself to "get lean", I have taken ephidrine & caffeine tablets to make my body burn fat. I even took horse drugs that supposedly burn fat - they made me shake like nothing I've ever seen, and made my heart pound so hard it shook my whole body. I have taken party drugs and danced all night as a way to lose weight.

Ridiculous! Oh my God, how I abused my health and my body! And the stupid thing is - I was athletic and absolutely stunning. If only I had realised that.

I do not blame myself completely for this ridiculous behaviour, as way back then, that was all I knew, that was the world I grew up in and I didnt think there was anything wrong with it. Now I am educated and know better.

I have not touched an illegal drug for over 15 years.

I have not made myself vomit for 5 years.

I have not starved myself for 1 year.

I have not binged for 1 day.

Today I am done with food obsession and addiction!!!

Today starts the first day of me respecting myself, loving myself and putting healthy food into my body with care and thought, in correct amounts, to fuel my body and my health.

This blog is primarily for myself, so I can look back and see how far I have come. From being very overweight and unhappy with myself at 108 kg, to the healthy woman I am on the way to being. Not the girl I used to be - that wasn't healthy. Instead, a healthy girl who loves and cares for herself, respects herself.

So, as an introduction to myself, to get to know me a little, and the life I have had so far, below is a short slideshow of some photos of my life thus far. You will see that despite the unfortunate beginning I have been blessed with a happy disposition and no matter how tough life has been, I have always been able to have fun with the amazing people in my life.

As this is a weight loss blog, you might also like to take note of the changes in my weight. The larger I become is actually showing the healthier I have become. Yes I was bingeing on food, but bit by bit, I was also stopping the abusive purging behaviours I mentioned above.

My next blog will be my very first "not so skinny photos" that in the end will be the "before" photos I can look back on and visibly measure my success.

Click on the video below, you might even get a giggle out of it. Turn your speakers on, and zoom it to full screen.

Enjoy...  :-)