A Mother's Love

People wonder how on Earth I could have gone through so much and turn out to be a pretty good human. Simple.

A mothers love.

From the moment I was born, my mother was besotted with me. She loved me wholeheartedly, completely, and unconditionally. I was given unconditional love and adoration, and I always knew I was valued, and loved.

Love, especially a mothers love, conquers all.

Here is something my beautiful mother wrote when I was little:

Her hair is white

Shining

Soft

Fine as satin is to touch

My little girl

So beautiful, so fresh, so pure

To look into your eyes

Is to know a realm of fresh crisp fields

A one dotted with little daisies and mountain blooms

The gleam in the alpine sun

Streaming gently down

Warmth and love in her heart

That's as comforting as sitting

at the hearth of a winter's fire

And your loved one cuddled by you

To love her and be loved by her is

Comparable to a cleansing will o the wisp breeze

She gives me all the riches and wealth

I could ever desire

Thank you God for giving her to me

I'm such a lucky girl to have a mother like mine. She is strong, loving, intelligent and fun. She has always been there for me no matter what. She is my rock. Thank you for being the most incredible mother around. 

I love you mum.

The Truth About "The Beautiful People"

I wonder how many people looked at me when I looked like this, and thought "I wish I could look like that"?? Perhaps I even inspired people to work out more or diet harder to get abs like I had? With my hot-as boyfriend beside me, a set of incredible abs and a fit, lean body I was the picture of fitness and health.

Or was I?

Yes, we all look to "the beautiful people" and wish we could look like them, we strive to look like them. We make new years resolutions to be healthy and fit - we even put pictures of celebrities up on our bathroom mirror, the fridge, a "wish collage" to remind us to work harder to be like those people we admire.

Why is it then, that it is so hard? Why aren't there more people running around looking like this? Why are only a minority of people this fit and healthy? Such a small portion of the population that look so hot?

The truth about "the beautiful people" is that many of them are far from beautiful, far from happy - and very, VERY far from healthy. They take drugs, vomit, starve, abuse their bodies with unhealthy "eating" plans and excessive exercise regimes.

"The beautiful people", you know the ones, like the twenty-something girl at the gym with a full face of make-up. She's part of the "in crowd", she has hair extensions, eyelash extensions, acrylic nails, fake tan, and gets on the treadmill with her very VERY short shorts and crop top. She walks on the treadmill at about 3 km/hr while reading a gossip mag, and regularly checks out the guys doing weights whilst flicking her hair.

This is different to athletes and sportspeople who are DEDICATED to their sport/health. "The beautiful people" are OBSESSED with their looks - at any cost. Their lives are solely focused on their looks and the image they portray - their self-worth depends on it, and without their looks they feel they have nothing. There is a big difference between the two things.

When I looked like this people would ask me what I do to look so amazing - I couldn't tell them the truth!!! The beautiful people don't tell the truth - they can't! There was no way I could tell people the truth - I was so worried about people finding out the "real me". The "real me" wasn't as together as I seemed, my life wasn't as amazing as it appeared, my relationship with my "hot boyfriend" was not good, he was critical of my looks and made me feel insecure, like I wasn't attractive enough despite being stunning.

How did I look that stunning?

Lets see, back then I was getting up at 4:30 am in the dark, taking speed-like drugs with other stimulant drugs first thing, I took a drug made for people with a thyroid condition (potentially damaging my thyroid for life) and topped it off with some horse drugs, all supposedly to burn fat (that I didn't have!). I then headed off to the gym for a cardio session before heading back home for a protein shake then off to work. I found that these drugs all made me shake so hard that I couldn't write - my hand wasn't steady enough to pen my own name! So rather than stop this madness, no, my boyfriend who got me onto all of this stuff, would put the horse drugs in my water bottle so I could drink it over the day so as not to get as big a "hit" at once and slightly lessen the shaking. I would then come home from work, inject myself with more horse drugs and head back to the gym for more cardio and then some serious weight training. I couldn't sleep because I was on so many stimulants, so I lived on 3-4 hours sleep every day of the week.

Then, what to do on weekends? Well, gym, solarium, then securing some more drugs to go out nightclubbing and dancing all night. My boyfriend, who was a very big ecstacy user introduced me to this, explaning that drinking is bad because it has calories, and recommended I take ecstacy so I don't get fat. We would even take a protein shake to drink through the evening so we didn't lose muscle.

Being one of "the beautiful people" I was privy to all the other "beautiful people" and their lives. "Beautiful people" share with other "beautiful people" their "beauty" secrets ie the various drugs and starvation techniques to stay "beautiful" with each other - because we all did it. But never ever would they tell non-beautiful people, no, they judge us because they don't know any better, they're not one of us anyway.

I saw a girl, a tiny, thin, top-of-the-chain of "the beautiful people", in the girls toilet of a dance club on the Gold Coast, trying to swallow two ecstasy tablets. She had already had six - six!!!! Six pills for such a tiny girl is tempting Death to knock on the door. This girl was complaining to us other "beautiful people" that she couldn't get these two pills down because her body kept vomiting them back up.

Ahhh, do you think your body is trying to tell you something??

Such is the mentality of "the beautiful people". She was an obsessive exerciser and had anorexia, yet she was revered for her tiny body. She looked amazing, and had it all - on the outside. At that time I also had a close friend who had had anorexia since a young girl, she told me anorexia is awesome because if she gets too fat (she was a size 6) she can just starve herself and get back into shape. This girl was the most stunning girl I had ever seen - still is. She was tiny and blonde and had the prettiest face, needed no make up - and her boyfriend was the hottest guy Ive ever seen - so gorgeous! I envied them, they were gorgeous, lovely, and stunning. I wanted their life. But, they both lived at the gym - twice a day 6 days a week, they both took ecstasy, he was on steroids, and she was anorexic. Beautiful - on the outside.

My own father got me using "fantasy", also known as GHB these days, or grievous bodily harm. I was 19 years old. He said I should take it because it's made from amino acids and keeps your muscle so you don't lose any - unlike speed, which he was giving me to take as well, which supposedly eats your muscle away.

I have a bachelor of exercise science now and I'm pretty sure those theories are a bunch of you-know-what.

I don't know, maybe don't give your daughter drugs and encourage her to take them all the time. Just a thought.

What about the "beautiful people" guys? They work out really hard training at the gym lifting big weights right? Wrong.

The truth about the male half of "the beautiful people" is that yes, they do train hard - but lots of them are on drugs too. Steroids, horse drugs, recreational drugs, and a whoooooole bunch of other nasty things. Ive known big guys who have stuck so many steriod-filled needles into their shoulders that the needle bends when going in because there is so much scar tissue. A lot of them take insulin to supposedly "make the muscle take in more fuel". Holy crap! They re taking a drug that if taken just a tiny bit too much, can kill them! Guys who gag as they shove food into their mouths because their body does not want more food. Guys that are obsessed with the mirror, tanning, shaving, training, eating, sleeping, recovering, and putting dangerous drugs into their bodies every day. Even a whole bunch of the lean, smaller guys are on drugs. I was astonished to find out some of the guys I knew around were on steroids too. Do you know how long these guys spend in front of the mirror stressing because their arms look small? Do you know they do push-ups before going out so their chests look bigger? That they do tricep dips on the toilet seat of the nightclub to make their arms look bigger? Yep, Ive seen all this too.

So, do those "beautiful people" still look so beautiful to you? Do you still want to look like them? Date them?

I hope not.

The truth about "the beautiful people" is that so many of them are messed up and abusing themselves, killing their bodies. They obsessively measure their food, they count the calories, the carbs, the fat. They panic if they eat something "bad" and then punish themselves at the gym for it. They are thinking about their looks, their weight, 24/7. If they're not at the gym they're planning when to go to the gym, what to eat, how many calories it will be and how much gym they need to do to make up for it. They obsess about a 1cm roll of "fat" (skin) on their waist. They cant go out for dinner with their friends or go away for the weekend because they will eat the wrong thing or cant get to the gym. They can never relax and enjoy life with some balance and flexibility.

Why? To look good? To be admired as one of "the beautiful people"? How sad.

I may not look like one of "the beautiful people" anymore, but I assure you, I have seen and done all of the above. Unless you're in it you never know its going on - people you would never expect are doing this. If I could tell you the examples you would be shocked. Believe me, I thought I was beautiful back then, but I was actually "beautiful". Now, I am healthier and more beautiful on the inside than I ever was when I was one of "the beautiful people".

I am beautiful and I am healthy. And I never want to be one of "the beautiful people" again. Ever.

Yay to the chick at the gym at 5am with that pillow crease-mark on her cheek, with panda eyes and bed hair. Yay to the guy training for a charity run. The couple hiking out in the fresh air. The big guy power walking on the footpath on his way to work. The Olympic swimmer dedicating her life to sport and representing her country. And yay to the teenager standing strong against peer pressure not to be in the "in crowd" and love her body and herself  by eating healthy, exercising for the enjoyment and having balance in her life.

Yay to you loving yourself right now, exactly as you are. xx

Life at 108

Whats it like being 108 kg?

One word - uncomfortable!!!  And not much fun.

For those of you around 70 kg, imagine carrying a 38 kilo bag of rice around with you everywhere you go. Imagine sitting down carrying 38 kilos, getting up out of your chair carrying 38 kilos, getting in and out of your car with 38 kilos, walking up stairs or a hill with 38 kilos!! Its hard work lugging all that weight around 24/7.

Then, imagine some skinny, well-meaning wench, I mean girl, tells you to go to gym and get off your lazy ass! Oh yeah, easy for you to say you think. But, still, you do go, because you used to love the gym - its gona be great!!

So off you totter, to the gym, feeling chuffed with yourself for finally going. You get there ready to feel some magical force wash over you and fill you with motivation. But, oh yeah, this isnt so fun now.

You scan the room and yep, you're the biggest person there. Great.

The cardio machines are at the front of the gym so you have to walk in front of all the skinny people and present your ass to them, displaying it as it jiggles around as you walk on the treadmill. Aaaawesome.

The girl next to you is running with ease and you are struggling with a 6 km/hr walk! The hot guy who walks past is so hot, and yummy to look at, but perving on him just makes you feel sad, because you know theres no way he'd ever be interested in you. Yep, things have changed since the times of beating them back with a stick! You imagine how you look from behind, to all the people who have the unfortunate position at your rear. Yep, gym is awesome. Fantaaaastic. Ugh.

After half an hour of feeling very self-conscious you figure thats enough torture for the day and get off the stage, I mean, the treadmill, and trott off home. As you walk out the gym, relief increasing with each step, you cringe and duck your head down juuuust a little bit, wondering if the person at the front desk noticed that you only got there half an hour ago. How embarrassment - walk fast walk fast! And then finally, you get home, away from the spotlight, ahhhh, bliss. You busy yourself with dinner (or wine), and try to forget how awful that experience was, so you can hopefully muster up the courage to do it all again tomorrow - except you vow you will go for an hour tomorrow!!!

Yeah, its not so fun being overweight. Its not just feeling self-consious and lugging around the weight - its also how you always feel so hot! Well I guess fat is an insulator. Sometimes I feel like I must be going through menopause at 40!

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying "poor me, its not my fault and I'm so helpless", blah blah bah. No no, I got myself this way, I put the food into my mouth, I chose to eat instead of control myself sooner - if only I got addicted to drugs instead of food!! (juuuuust jokin!).

Now I am taking control, I'm OK with how I look for now, its temporary. But if you could just take a second to think of some of the large people you see around, and how hard it is for them to walk, and how much courage it takes for them to step outside their house - and if you see a large person at the gym, give them a smile so maybe they feel just that little less uncomfortable.

OK, so I am going to post some 108 kg photos below, and believe me I am cringeing, ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Why did I decide to do this blog??? Oh dear.

I just cant bring myself to post the "OMG Im in my underpants" photos just yet, but I will later when I have lost more weight and can do a before and after type thing. For now, you will just have to put up with the crappy, out of focus pics I took with jeans and a (big) t-shirt. I thought I would also take pics of my face because at the moment, I have a rather voluptuous face to match the rather voluptuous body!!!

OK, big breath, here I go...

Day One!

    

 This is my typical weekend outfit at the moment. Jeans and a big t-shirt. 

Because you totally cant see that I'm fat with the big shirt on!! Haha

Of course I cant help but take a couple silly photos too  :-)

 

And one of the voluptous 108kg face.

OK, I've had my heart attack from sharing that with the world. Thank you so much for reading, and accompanying me on my journey. Perhaps for some, it may have even helped open your eyes just that little bit more so you can see the beauty around you -  in all its different packages!

See you in a few kilos!! Woo hoo!!!!!!

From Rock Bottom Up

Well here I am, my butt firmly planted on Rock Bottom, staring up at the pretty blue sky. I look up and think:

              "That's where I want to be"...


I am almost 41 years old and I am not the woman I want to be.

I used to be slim, muscular, fit - and HOT!

Look what Ive done to myself!

Yes, I have reasons - I was sexually abused as a child for 10 years by 2 different people - almost every day. I was emotionally and mentally manipulated and screwed up by my father, who was a sociopath, and took his own life about a year ago. As a child, my mother was a nervous wreck (from her own battles), who I watched struggle with anxiety and fighting her demons. I grew up in a scary, toxic world full of violence, abuse, nastiness, sickness, fear and pain. I have been sexually, emotionally and mentally abused. I was bullied all through school, I was put down and criticised constantly by my father, I have been date-raped, I have had abusive boyfriends, I have been stabbed in the back and double-crossed by members of my own family. It would take an entire book to describe my life up until now.

Despite these unfortunate beginnings, with 20 years of hard work, and love and support from my amazing mum and friends,  I have managed to become a good, honest, intelligent, kind, caring, and mostly happy person. My past does not define who I am now.

The one thing that still controls my life is food.

I have binged on food since I was a little girl. Food was my saviour. Food comforted me and whisked me away from the terrible place I was back then. I thank that little girl for being so clever back then and finding something to keep us safe. To get me through to here and now. To have come through all of that with my sanity intact (mostly! haha).

Now, it is time to put that strategy aside, I don't need it anymore. No longer am I a helpless child in a torturous environment. I am a strong, intelligent, capable woman in an environment where I am surrounded by positivity, love, fun, caring and respect. I have a Bachelor degree and work in a hospital helping others. I love my job and I am good at it. My colleagues respect me and value my work. I am surrounded by the most incredible group of friends - intelligent, loving, remarkable people whom I love from the bottom of my heart and thank God for every day.

Now this bingeing on food over the years, has been coupled with purging of various designs - vomiting, laxative abuse, starvation, even alchorexia (no food, lots of wine). I have been on every diet known to man! I have taken various pills, potions, drugs and even veterinary drugs to lose weight. I have injected L-carnitine into myself to "get lean", I have taken ephidrine & caffeine tablets to make my body burn fat. I even took horse drugs that supposedly burn fat - they made me shake like nothing I've ever seen, and made my heart pound so hard it shook my whole body. I have taken party drugs and danced all night as a way to lose weight.

Ridiculous! Oh my God, how I abused my health and my body! And the stupid thing is - I was athletic and absolutely stunning. If only I had realised that.

I do not blame myself completely for this ridiculous behaviour, as way back then, that was all I knew, that was the world I grew up in and I didnt think there was anything wrong with it. Now I am educated and know better.

I have not touched an illegal drug for over 15 years.

I have not made myself vomit for 5 years.

I have not starved myself for 1 year.

I have not binged for 1 day.

Today I am done with food obsession and addiction!!!

Today starts the first day of me respecting myself, loving myself and putting healthy food into my body with care and thought, in correct amounts, to fuel my body and my health.

This blog is primarily for myself, so I can look back and see how far I have come. From being very overweight and unhappy with myself at 108 kg, to the healthy woman I am on the way to being. Not the girl I used to be - that wasn't healthy. Instead, a healthy girl who loves and cares for herself, respects herself.

So, as an introduction to myself, to get to know me a little, and the life I have had so far, below is a short slideshow of some photos of my life thus far. You will see that despite the unfortunate beginning I have been blessed with a happy disposition and no matter how tough life has been, I have always been able to have fun with the amazing people in my life.

As this is a weight loss blog, you might also like to take note of the changes in my weight. The larger I become is actually showing the healthier I have become. Yes I was bingeing on food, but bit by bit, I was also stopping the abusive purging behaviours I mentioned above.

My next blog will be my very first "not so skinny photos" that in the end will be the "before" photos I can look back on and visibly measure my success.

Click on the video below, you might even get a giggle out of it. Turn your speakers on, and zoom it to full screen.

Enjoy...  :-)