Back to the Beginning - But Not Quite!

Wow, so I started this blog in September 2012 and did sooo well! I lost 16 kilos in 8 months - then I crashed and burned.

Familiar?

Well if you too have begun and failed (or so you think), read on....

 

I may be the same weight (actually 1 kilo more) today than when I began this blog, BUT I'm a whole different person. And this is the thing so many people forget!!! It's not just about your weight, your size or how you look. Those things are relatively important, however something that is just as important - or more, is how you learn to love yourself and care for yourself. It's about health -  not only in what you put in your mouth, but your mental and emotional health too.

Yeah, I'm as overweight as I was before, but I don't hate myself nearly as much - in fact, I don't hate myself at all. I don't even hate my body. I hate what I have done to my body, and I hate how my body looks because of this. But, just as I am kind, understanding and forgiving to everyone I meet, I am now, to myself.

So, I gained weight again, that's OK, I'm human. I'm a loving, kind, honest, generous woman who loves and gives unconditionally. I am more than my weight. My weight or size does not define who I am. However, I want to be healthy. I want to care for my amazing body that never quits no matter what I throw at it. I want to be fit enough to hike more mountains, to run, to play and to enjoy everything life has to offer. I want to go to the beach and play with my gorgeous new nephew without feeling embarassed. I want to hike with my friends. I want to join a bushwalking club. I want to run along the beach smelling the salt air. I want to travel.

I want to PUSH MY BOUNDARIES!

All of this feels totally unachievable being 109 kilos. Yep, 109 kilos!!!. An awful, heavy, hot, sweaty, uncomfortable 109kg.

Sure, I have reasons - but really, are they excuses?!?! I have been unhappy in my job for a number of years for a certain reason. Do you feel the same? Well, our job is a HUGE part of our life! And so, if your job is crap, your life is crap!!! If you're brought down or  feel awful 8-10 hours a day EVERY day, then hell, who wouldn't feel crap!?!?! BUT, we need to remember that life is not meant to be easy! If you don't like it, fix it - or at least try, If you can't fix it, change it!! I am a true believer that if you don't like your job and you have tried to make it better - then you need to find something else that makes you happy. You can't spend 8-10 hours a day hating your life or wishing you had a different life.

If you dislike your job - make it better or find another one. If you feel you cant, then educate yourself, up-skill yourself, hell, volunteer!! Do whatever you have to, to make your work-life enjoyable. At the very least, come to terms with  your job, accept that it isn't perfect, but hey, you HAVE a job, and find things outside of work that make working worthwhile - like travel!!

My work-life was destroying me - literally. I have been off work for a month and am a COMPLETELY different person. Being someone who blames themselves before everyone and everything else, I thought it was me, but being away for a month, I now see, it was not. I was in a toxic environment that I will no longer endure. My heart was pounding out of my chest at an unnatural rate. I had ectopic beats and tachycardia. I could barely sleep and had to take sleeping tablets to try to get a little. I was stressed, anxious, I was on edge - I was a mess. And now, after a month away from the toxic environment, I am calm, happy, social, I sleep well, I have no heart palpitations - I can barely feel my heartbeat now.

I am happy.

Where I used to avoid social gatherings, I seek them. Where I recoiled from attention I enjoy it, and where I was anxious to even leave my home, I willingly seek out new experiences.

I am not a recluse. I am not terribly damaged, and I am not an exception to the rule. I am merely a woman who, because of life's challenges, have chosen food as her savior - and because of an improved self-esteem and self-worth, I no longer will.

So, if you're overweight - join me! If you're thin but want to be healthier - join me! If you want to support me - please, join me!!

This is the beginning second time around, and I want to be fully transparent, open and honest as before, but this time, I want to DO IT!!!!

Thank you so much for reading, and thank you so much for your support. If you know anyone who might enjoy, or even better, benefit from reading my blog, please share. And if this is the first post you've read, please read my first post ever 

From Rock Bottom Up

See you in a few kilos!!!!

V. xx

P.S. Below are some recent photos of which I am incredibly embarrassed to share, however, I am sharing...

I am Human, Therefore Imperfect

So here I am, 12 months later, and back where I started. Crap.

I started at 108 kilos, was so enthusiastic and ABSOLUTELY, without a shadow of a doubt, believed this was IT!!!! I was finally going to lose the excess weight I'd been carrying for years, and never return.

Not so.

I lost weight quite easily, I didn't really struggle with the eating plan as it was sensible - and tasty. Luckily I don't have much of a sweet tooth so I didn't struggle with cravings for lollies, chocolate or desserts. I did struggle with craving champagne however!

Interesting...

Champagne is social, fun, extravagant, delicious! It's normal and sociable to have a glass or two of champers. It conjurs up images of laughter, pretty dresses, friends and fun.

And for a long time that's all I thought it was.

However, I have come to realise that I just swapped my eating addiction to a champagne addiction. Not to be confused with an alcohol addiction. I have heaps of alcohol in my apartment left over from parties etc - not interested in drinking any of that. Just champagne. Why? It gives me that same pleasure, that same "yummy" feeling that food does. I was fooled!!!!

My glass or two of champagne once a week slowly increased, but there were weeks where I would have none. It wasn't effecting my weight so I wasn't concerned. Champagne wasn't even on my radar so it snuck up on me as I was so focused on food.

At the same time, life was pretty good. Of course I had the usual ups and downs that life throws us all, but I was doing well.

Then I had some big dramas. And the drinking increased. A whole bottle on a friday night - I rationalised to myself that work was really getting to me and I needed it after a big week. Then it turned into 1.5 and sometimes 2 bottles. I would spend the next day nursing a terrible hangover and eating crappy, fatty, disgusting fast food.

Then my physical injuries and ailments that I have carried for years worsened - constant pain screws with your head!! It really gets you down. That in turn effected my job and worsened my other problems. My job security was practically zilch and I began hating myself. Then in that vicious cycle, the stress worsened the physical pain - and so on...

The scales started to show the weight increasing. I went from 108 kg to 92 kg, and slowly but surely I reached 99kg again. I was determined it was not going to hit 100kg!!! But it did. The increasing weight was an added upset to everything else going on in my life.

Then I became terribly depressed. My depression was so bad that there were weekends when I would get home from work on friday night and not leave the house again until work on monday morning. I'd be in my pyjamas the whole weekend. It was even a struggle to have a shower. I had to force myself to wash my hair once a week - disgusting!!!! Thankfully it was long and I could just slick it up in a bun so it looked like it was meant to be like that. I wasn't sleeping, I was exhausted, I could barely get through my day at work.

And then, just at this time, with perfect timing, my sub-conscience decided to throw me a whammy and bring up a bunch of traumas from my past. Thank God I have an amazing shrink (she knows I call her that haha) who steered me through the worst of it. I also have amazing medical support! My GP helped me with medication - antidepressant, my musculoskeletal doctor helped me with my protesting body, and my osteopath (I swear he is sent from Heaven) relieved all the pain, knots and spasms. My boss at work is amazing and has been incredibly supportive to help me through this time despite the fact that my dramas are really effecting my team at work - making me hate myself even more.

And then there are my angels - my friends, who love me unconditionally. Who don't judge me (oh dear, a few tears are trying to pop out), and who listen, discuss and rationalise with me, they have supported me through it all with love and understanding. They saw me write myself off with alcohol. They tried to gently persuade me to stop whilst I was in the midst of guzzling champagne - however I was unstoppable. They told me it was OK, and not to be so hard on myself the next day when I was hating myself with such ferocity I cannot describe. My beautiful friends would tell me it was just a phase, that I was just having a tough time and it would pass. And although they hated seeing me do that to myself, and were truly upset seeing it, they worried about me, and they loved me.

My God I love those girls. Netty, Dee, Ness and Anna, you guys mean so much to me I cannot explain. You've seen me at my worst and yet you love me still. I love you guys with all of my heart and soul.

So, here I am, 108kg again today, roughly a year later, but now with a very different attitude.

I don't know how fast I'll lose it this time, but I'm going to try. I'm being realistic - its fucking hard!!!! Most people who are quite overweight (and many people who aren't) have had a really shit time in life. And many of us don't know how to deal with it. It's just not as easy as all these TV programs, 12 week, 6 week, 2 week friggin plans lead us to believe. It isn't just put this in your mouth, not this, and go exercise. For many of us it goes so much deeper than that!

I am grateful that food (and for a short time champagne) was my vice, and not drugs. However, you can go "cold turkey" with drugs - but not food. Its like telling a heroin addict to have just a tiny shot that gives them no pleasure at all, 3-4 times a day, but never to have more. I'm no drug and alcohol expert but I'm pretty sure there's not one heroin addict that could do that. Sometimes I think food addiction is the hardest one to kick.

The trick? Find something NOT harmful to help you deal with your feelings. Don't reach for a chocolate, a pizza, that scotch or glass of champagne. Find something else that is not harmful that helps you calm down or express yourself.

I love to draw so I have bought sketch pads, pencils and a "learn how to draw" book. I love make-up and sometimes just sit on the floor in front of my mirrored wardrobe and try different ideas on myself. I now often turn off the TV and listen to music, and I'm in the process of learning how to start my vertical herb garden that my incredibly talented brother-in-law made and is sitting on my balcony becoming me to create something wonderful.

And, finally, just this last weekend I managed to get pretty and get out of the house with my beautiful mummy and have a fun night out with some of my family watching a crazy-ass play my cousin was in (love you Sammy). It was fun to get pretty and even more fun to see my family. (pics below)

So, my humble apologies for not writing for so long, I really didn't know what to write whilst in the midst of my own personal hell. I'm certainly not out the other side, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am certain I will get there. Thank  you so much for your support and your interest in my blog and my story. I hope my open and honest posts touch some of you to love yourself more and be more understanding of others on their journey.

Big hugs,

V. xx

Cruisin' in Meh Land

Update time! My last post was just over 2 months ago, describing how I was struggling to write about my weight loss journey as I was in "Meh Land".

Well, what did you think about Meh Land? Been there? There right now? Think its good/bad/neither??

Well, Im still there, still crusin along in Meh land - and I've still  lost 5.5 kilos!

Meh land isn't so bad.

I think we all need a breather now and then - life is not like "The Biggest....... ummm, not winner"  - you know what I mean. We aren't shacked up in a training centre, health retreat surrounded by motivation and removed from temptation. We're working, living, socialising, we have kids, family, commitments.

Life gets in the way from time to time, and you fall off the horse, but if you quickly pick yourself back up and get straight back on that horse, you will still be trotting off into the right direction.

So, Im 92.2 kilos (almost 16 kilos down), and this week I'm shifting gear. 'Im saying seeya to Meh Land for now, and getting back to the more determined, the more motivated, the harder work of getting healthier and getting my weight down further. I've had my rest, I've had my fun - and still lost weight. But, its time to get back to business!

Have you been cruising in Meh Land? Its all good! Jump in my car and join me on the next leg of the awesome journey!!!

Cheers,

V. xx

See you in a few kilos!!

What the hell ?!?!?

Well, I haven't posted for a while - that's because I don't know what the hell to write about?!?!?

Ginny isn't getting skinny very quickly!!!!

Don't get me wrong, Im back on track. I have dragged my ass up early for gym 4 times in the last week. My eating has been clean and I have stopped the booze!

My weight today was 97.5 kg which is a happy distance away from the 108 kg I was at the beginning of this journey.

I think I have two reasons I feel like I don't know what to write about:

1 - I'm in "meh" land, where 'Im not finding it difficult, but I'm also not finding myself bursting with enthusiasm. I guess this is the "one step in front of the other" phase.

2 - I have been going through A LOT of personal, emotional stuff and don't feel like the world wants to hear my problems.

I want this blog to be an enjoyable read - with wise words punctuated with lot's of laughs and giggles along the way! So this, "meh" phase isn't terribly interesting to write about.

For many people, I guess this is a danger time. Many people who are on a journey to losing weight, getting fit, or defeating some habit/addiction they have may lose enthusiasm at this point - because its not that hard, so you drop your guard, and because its "meh" you can lose motivation .

This to me is the reason why people who are looking for a quick fix often fail. Once you're in "meh land" you want the excitement back. The drama! Those swings of emotion you get when either you first start and you are all enthusiastic with all these plans and dreams, or when you are berating yourself for falling off the wagon and psyching yourself to get back on.

I'm not having that. I'm not hating myself for doing the wrong thing, and I'm not applauding myself for being so amazing either. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, about a third of the way along my journey.

What I'm learning is that "meh land" is good. When there is no drama, no hating, no chastising or critisicing, no pep talks or psyche-up sessions, there is time for you. For life. Time to enjoy the now. Time to do that old cliche - stop and smell the roses.

Much of my life has been a roller-coaster of frightening drops from giant highs, plummeting into darkness, with the exhilarating shot back up to the light. Heart pounding, hair whipping around. Stomach in knots, eyes watering. That roller-coaster may be exciting, but it didn't pause at the edge of that rose bush where you could smell the sweet perfume. It didn't stop at the summit to overlook the stunning scenery of those gorgeous mountains being swathed in a shawl of soft cloud. It didn't pause on the beachside where you could taste the salt in the air. It whizzed you around so fast you could barely see!

I'm off that roller-coaster, cruisin' through "meh land" - and I like it!

Life is a journey. Through all different lands, all kinds of scenery. Don't compare one place to another. Don't dismiss one or dislike one because another seemed better. Enjoy all of the different destinations in your life - the beaches, the deserts, the summits, the valleys. Savour each place for its unique quality, and take a piece of it with you as you keep moving forward.

Never give up, and never take life for granted. Walk. Smell. Savour. Breathe. Laugh. Cry. Love.

Life is a beautiful journey - enjoy every day of yours.

 

V xx

Taking Your Eyes Off The Ball

 

Yeah, I admit it - I got a bit cocky. I got through Christmas without gaining weight even though I ate and drank more than I would normally. So I did what many of us do - I took my eyes off the ball. I got complacent, and honestly, I think a little cocky. I figured I was getting away with eating & drinking, so I amped it up.

 

 

I think another thing that happened was that my diet sneakily and slowly went slightly off-course. My little trip to Maccas to get a burger that I took off most of the bun, turned into all of the bun - plus some chicken nuggets. My weekly  night out with a bottle of champagne became a couple of nights a week, with a couple of bottles. When a night out never ended in a hangover, it now was - meaning more hangover food, and less activity.

So here I am, giving myself a swift kick up the bum. I gained 2 kilos, and am back to 100.4 kg this morning. I'm not fussed as I know it comes off easily, and I think that's a really important thing for us all to remember. Beating yourself up doesn't help - a kick up the butt is fine however! But don't guilt yourself into feeling like crap - be nice, be understanding, AND STOP.

I think this is a danger area for so many people - you take your eyes off the ball, gain weight or go backwards in whatever it is that has been your goal, and you flagellate yourself, which makes you feel awful, which in turn, makes it harder to be positive and move on. You stay in the past, dwell on the negative, and this inevitably makes you repeat the unwanted behaviour.

Don't be mean to yourself - love yourself! Have compassion for yourself as you do others. Treat and speak to yourself the way you would a friend who has fallen off the wagon.

So, the silly season is over, I'm nudging the steering wheel and getting back on-course, and if you, like me, have veered a little, I encourage you to get back to it - without guilt or criticism. It's been fun, nobody is perfect, and as I have said before, you just need to be persistent.
 
 Back to it!!!

See you in a few kilos. xx

Silliness in the Silly Season

So, we all do it - the work Christmas lunch, the friends Christmas get-together, Christmas drinks with various friends and groups. The hangover food the following day - followed by more drinking. Then comes Christmas - a day (or two) of eating non-stop a whole bunch of food you wouldn't normally eat. Trifle for breakfast, croissants smothered in jam & cream, fruit mince pies, chocolate, fruit cake, chips and dips. Ham turkey AND lamb on one plate! You try to be good and fill your plate with salad and veggies, but you also have a glass of champagne in the other hand. You eat, you drink, you feel sick, you swear you wont do it again. But then the next day there are mountains of leftovers - so you have to eat it. And so continues the eating and drinking too much theme. New years eve approaches and you start telling  yourself "There's no point stopping now, I have new years yet. But I'll stop after that". So you still drink more alcohol than you would normally, and you eat food you wouldn't normally eat, all while telling yourself its OK because in a few days THAT'S IT!

Well my friend, if this is you, don't despair, you are normal. They don't call it "the silly season" for nothing. The best way to tackle it is what my mum calls "harm minimisation" Sure, you might be perfect, but most of us arent. So if you overindulge, dont berate yourself, just enjoy it and stop early, or add lots of water, go for a walk, look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you love your body and want to take care of it. Try not to put toxins into it, or if you do, try to put in less. Just try your best to look after your health, stop when you think to stop, and don't do the "well it's too late now" thing to yourself - it's never too late!

Just yesterday I was at work and there were heaps of left-over Christmas cakes and sweets around, I eventually gave in and grabbed a fruit mince tart - pure sugar! I chewed it and it tasted soooo sweet! So, I spat it out and threw the rest away! Never too late!

Enjoy the silly season, cherish the time spent with friends and family. have heaps of fun and live life to the full! If you overindulge or get a bit silly this silly season, never fear, it's all a part of life - enjoy it, embrace it, and then move along!

This weight loss journey has been interesting for me. It has been relatively easy but I think that is because I'm not putting huge expectations on myself. I'm not setting myself up to fail. This silly season my goal has not been to keep losing weight - for me, that's unrealistic! 'Im a really social person and I enjoy my bubbles. So my goal instead, has merely been to not put on weight (or not much anyway). So I had lost 10 kg, and so far so good, I am still 98 kg - despite eating and drinking like it was my last Christmas! I haven't starved myself to make up for it, I just went back to the same healthy eating  I was doing before. I have been out every weekend - out again tonight, and again for NYE and I will be drinking champagne. I have had maccas hangover food - but this time, I'm eating less, I'm making better choices, and I'm not continuing it all day. I will have a burger and rip off most of the bun. I wont have chips and I only ever have sugar-free soft drink, or just soda water. I have been far from perfect, but I am really proud of myself. My weight has stayed the same and I have treated my body with more care than any other silly season before.

Thanks for reading my blog - I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and are enjoying the silly season. Have a great night welcoming in the new year and I look forward to sharing the fun and games of 2013 with you.

Big hugs - see you next year!!

Christmas in Australia = hot days, humid nights, seafood, champagne, BBQ's and beer!

Strong, Powerful Words!

I just watched this short video and was absolutely covered in goosebumps!

What a powerful message!

What an inspirational woman.

Hope you enjoy. xx

http://en.avaaz.org/1198/watch-this-and-youll-never-think-of-the-word-pretty-the-same-way-again?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social_media&utm_content=_left&utm_campaign=hot-videos&utm_term=db_newsletter

Cracking the Hundred

 

Finally!!!!!

10.5 kilos gone - booyah!

I am finally down from triple, to double digits - woo hoo!! There's something awesome about not seeing that 1 in front of the other numbers. Wow it's been slow, but I know - without a doubt - that it is permanent, and THAT is awesome!

Fast weight loss is a quick fix, a quick hit of "make me feel good", but it is only temporary, and often ends in disaster - gaining it all back again, and often even more. It's funny, so many children's stories have so much merit - remember the "slow and steady wins the race" message we all got from "The Tortoise and the Hare"? Well, it still rings true today, and particularly relevant for weight loss. In fact, the slower it is, the more permanent is is likely to be.

I have been far from perfect in my weight loss. I have eaten "naughty" stuff, I have had alcohol about a million times, and I have done pretty much no exercise. Yet, here I am, 10.5 kilos down, and still going strong. It's also good to know that I still have "things up my sleeve" for when I hit the inevitable plateau and stop losing weight at some point.

My message to you all, is that  you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be persistent. Keep chipping away at those fat cells.

See you in a few kilos!!!!

Friends - the Family You Choose

 

I may have been unlucky in some ways, but MAN, have I been lucky in the friendship department!!

If you have great friends - cherish them! Make the effort to keep in touch, spend time with them, love them! My friends are as close to me as family - they are my family!!!!

I have the most amazing friends who I have RIDICULOUS amounts of fun with!!! These girls are gorgeous, smart, strong, good, fun people - and I have made this slideshow to share some of the fun we've had.

Thanks for your love, your support, your inspiration, your laughs - and tears, thanks for putting up with me for all of these years, and thanks for all the fun! I love you all sooooo much!!!!

You fill my belly with laughs, my face with smiles and my heart with joy!

Body of Love

Im 40 years old and for my entire life, I hated my body.

I have abused it, disrespected it, treated it without care, poisoned it with drugs, alcohol, bulimia, starvation, toxins and misuse. I have not cared for it, never ever looked after it. I have looked at it and swore at it, said horrific things to it, been disgusted by it, wished it away, wished it was something else, some other body. And I have vehemently hated it.

Yet my body has never failed me, it has never given up on me, it has never faltered. It loves me unconditionally. No matter what I do to it or say to it, it responds with steadfast love. My body is a miraculous piece of artwork, designed by God. It is perfect. It has never let me down. My body has been through many trials and tribulations, many physical feats. It has hiked the Andes mountains to 4200 meters above sea level where it received only half the oxygen it needs, with completely fatigued muscles, a torn, shredded ankle and carrying 20 kilos of excess weight. My body never failed me on that trip, although my muscles screamed, my ankle kept giving way and my breath came in laboured gasps, it kept putting one foot in front of the other, in front of the other, in front of the other…

When I reached the top of that mountain I had a special moment. I cried. I realised just how amazing my body is, how no matter what obstacle placed in front of it my body just kept going. It never quit on me. When the pain was so intense it forced air out of my lungs in a sharp gasp, it did not stop. Standing on top of that mountain, looking over the magnificent scenery of that beautiful place, I cried and felt a huge flood of emotion, of love, for my body. Gratitude and thankfulness for what God has given me. And awe.

My body is beautiful, it is loving, it is kind. It is strong. It gives me my hearts desire, it never complains. No matter what I do to it, it forges ahead, it never stops. How could I hate it? I adore it. I am so grateful for it. I am so proud of it.

I am so blessed to have a body that has all its intended parts, it is cancer-free, healthy and thriving. I am so very blessed to have a perfect, healthy body.

I will never tell it I hate it again. I will love and cherish it, and nurture it like the precious gift that it is.

We worry so much about how we look, what people think of us, what size our bodies are, what shape, what proportion, when what we should be doing is taking care of it, cherishing it, loving it and being thankful for it.

In my work I meet people every day whose bodies are failing them. Their bodies do not have all the intended parts, they are not cancer-free and they are not healthy and thriving. How dare I take my body for granted when the person next to me wishes they had my health, my strength, my immune system. How dare I?

The answer is I do not dare, I shall nevermore. I shall cherish, nourish and love my body and I encourage you to realise the beauty of your body. As your body has loved you, may you forever love it.. As your body has supported you unfailingly, support it. Love your body unconditionally. And as your body has you, never, ever give up on it.


 
Hope you enjoyed :-)
Below I have posted a bunch of pics I love about loving your body.

See you in a few kilos!  xx

Don't hate on thin girls - many of them are struggling with loving their bodies too!

 

 

 

Hahahaha, It's not quite right for this post but it made me giggle  :-)