Familiar?
Well if you too have begun and failed (or so you think), read on....
I may be the same weight (actually 1 kilo more) today than when I began this blog, BUT I'm a whole different person. And this is the thing so many people forget!!! It's not just about your weight, your size or how you look. Those things are relatively important, however something that is just as important - or more, is how you learn to love yourself and care for yourself. It's about health - not only in what you put in your mouth, but your mental and emotional health too.
Yeah, I'm as overweight as I was before, but I don't hate myself nearly as much - in fact, I don't hate myself at all. I don't even hate my body. I hate what I have done to my body, and I hate how my body looks because of this. But, just as I am kind, understanding and forgiving to everyone I meet, I am now, to myself.
So, I gained weight again, that's OK, I'm human. I'm a loving, kind, honest, generous woman who loves and gives unconditionally. I am more than my weight. My weight or size does not define who I am. However, I want to be healthy. I want to care for my amazing body that never quits no matter what I throw at it. I want to be fit enough to hike more mountains, to run, to play and to enjoy everything life has to offer. I want to go to the beach and play with my gorgeous new nephew without feeling embarassed. I want to hike with my friends. I want to join a bushwalking club. I want to run along the beach smelling the salt air. I want to travel.
I want to PUSH MY BOUNDARIES!
All of this feels totally unachievable being 109 kilos. Yep, 109 kilos!!!. An awful, heavy, hot, sweaty, uncomfortable 109kg.
Sure, I have reasons - but really, are they excuses?!?! I have been unhappy in my job for a number of years for a certain reason. Do you feel the same? Well, our job is a HUGE part of our life! And so, if your job is crap, your life is crap!!! If you're brought down or feel awful 8-10 hours a day EVERY day, then hell, who wouldn't feel crap!?!?! BUT, we need to remember that life is not meant to be easy! If you don't like it, fix it - or at least try, If you can't fix it, change it!! I am a true believer that if you don't like your job and you have tried to make it better - then you need to find something else that makes you happy. You can't spend 8-10 hours a day hating your life or wishing you had a different life.
If you dislike your job - make it better or find another one. If you feel you cant, then educate yourself, up-skill yourself, hell, volunteer!! Do whatever you have to, to make your work-life enjoyable. At the very least, come to terms with your job, accept that it isn't perfect, but hey, you HAVE a job, and find things outside of work that make working worthwhile - like travel!!
My work-life was destroying me - literally. I have been off work for a month and am a COMPLETELY different person. Being someone who blames themselves before everyone and everything else, I thought it was me, but being away for a month, I now see, it was not. I was in a toxic environment that I will no longer endure. My heart was pounding out of my chest at an unnatural rate. I had ectopic beats and tachycardia. I could barely sleep and had to take sleeping tablets to try to get a little. I was stressed, anxious, I was on edge - I was a mess. And now, after a month away from the toxic environment, I am calm, happy, social, I sleep well, I have no heart palpitations - I can barely feel my heartbeat now.
I am happy.
Where I used to avoid social gatherings, I seek them. Where I recoiled from attention I enjoy it, and where I was anxious to even leave my home, I willingly seek out new experiences.
I am not a recluse. I am not terribly damaged, and I am not an exception to the rule. I am merely a woman who, because of life's challenges, have chosen food as her savior - and because of an improved self-esteem and self-worth, I no longer will.
So, if you're overweight - join me! If you're thin but want to be healthier - join me! If you want to support me - please, join me!!
This is the beginning second time around, and I want to be fully transparent, open and honest as before, but this time, I want to DO IT!!!!
Thank you so much for reading, and thank you so much for your support. If you know anyone who might enjoy, or even better, benefit from reading my blog, please share. And if this is the first post you've read, please read my first post ever
From Rock Bottom Up
See you in a few kilos!!!!
V. xx
P.S. Below are some recent photos of which I am incredibly embarrassed to share, however, I am sharing...
