So here I am, 12 months later, and back where I started. Crap.
I started at 108 kilos, was so enthusiastic and ABSOLUTELY, without a shadow of a doubt, believed this was IT!!!! I was finally going to lose the excess weight I'd been carrying for years, and never return.
Not so.
I lost weight quite easily, I didn't really struggle with the eating plan as it was sensible - and tasty. Luckily I don't have much of a sweet tooth so I didn't struggle with cravings for lollies, chocolate or desserts. I did struggle with craving champagne however!
Interesting...
Champagne is social, fun, extravagant, delicious! It's normal and sociable to have a glass or two of champers. It conjurs up images of laughter, pretty dresses, friends and fun.
And for a long time that's all I thought it was.
However, I have come to realise that I just swapped my eating addiction to a champagne addiction. Not to be confused with an alcohol addiction. I have heaps of alcohol in my apartment left over from parties etc - not interested in drinking any of that. Just champagne. Why? It gives me that same pleasure, that same "yummy" feeling that food does. I was fooled!!!!
My glass or two of champagne once a week slowly increased, but there were weeks where I would have none. It wasn't effecting my weight so I wasn't concerned. Champagne wasn't even on my radar so it snuck up on me as I was so focused on food.
At the same time, life was pretty good. Of course I had the usual ups and downs that life throws us all, but I was doing well.
Then I had some big dramas. And the drinking increased. A whole bottle on a friday night - I rationalised to myself that work was really getting to me and I needed it after a big week. Then it turned into 1.5 and sometimes 2 bottles. I would spend the next day nursing a terrible hangover and eating crappy, fatty, disgusting fast food.
Then my physical injuries and ailments that I have carried for years worsened - constant pain screws with your head!! It really gets you down. That in turn effected my job and worsened my other problems. My job security was practically zilch and I began hating myself. Then in that vicious cycle, the stress worsened the physical pain - and so on...
The scales started to show the weight increasing. I went from 108 kg to 92 kg, and slowly but surely I reached 99kg again. I was determined it was not going to hit 100kg!!! But it did. The increasing weight was an added upset to everything else going on in my life.
Then I became terribly depressed. My depression was so bad that there were weekends when I would get home from work on friday night and not leave the house again until work on monday morning. I'd be in my pyjamas the whole weekend. It was even a struggle to have a shower. I had to force myself to wash my hair once a week - disgusting!!!! Thankfully it was long and I could just slick it up in a bun so it looked like it was meant to be like that. I wasn't sleeping, I was exhausted, I could barely get through my day at work.
And then, just at this time, with perfect timing, my sub-conscience decided to throw me a whammy and bring up a bunch of traumas from my past. Thank God I have an amazing shrink (she knows I call her that haha) who steered me through the worst of it. I also have amazing medical support! My GP helped me with medication - antidepressant, my musculoskeletal doctor helped me with my protesting body, and my osteopath (I swear he is sent from Heaven) relieved all the pain, knots and spasms. My boss at work is amazing and has been incredibly supportive to help me through this time despite the fact that my dramas are really effecting my team at work - making me hate myself even more.
And then there are my angels - my friends, who love me unconditionally. Who don't judge me (oh dear, a few tears are trying to pop out), and who listen, discuss and rationalise with me, they have supported me through it all with love and understanding. They saw me write myself off with alcohol. They tried to gently persuade me to stop whilst I was in the midst of guzzling champagne - however I was unstoppable. They told me it was OK, and not to be so hard on myself the next day when I was hating myself with such ferocity I cannot describe. My beautiful friends would tell me it was just a phase, that I was just having a tough time and it would pass. And although they hated seeing me do that to myself, and were truly upset seeing it, they worried about me, and they loved me.
My God I love those girls. Netty, Dee, Ness and Anna, you guys mean so much to me I cannot explain. You've seen me at my worst and yet you love me still. I love you guys with all of my heart and soul.
So, here I am, 108kg again today, roughly a year later, but now with a very different attitude.
I don't know how fast I'll lose it this time, but I'm going to try. I'm being realistic - its fucking hard!!!! Most people who are quite overweight (and many people who aren't) have had a really shit time in life. And many of us don't know how to deal with it. It's just not as easy as all these TV programs, 12 week, 6 week, 2 week friggin plans lead us to believe. It isn't just put this in your mouth, not this, and go exercise. For many of us it goes so much deeper than that!
I am grateful that food (and for a short time champagne) was my vice, and not drugs. However, you can go "cold turkey" with drugs - but not food. Its like telling a heroin addict to have just a tiny shot that gives them no pleasure at all, 3-4 times a day, but never to have more. I'm no drug and alcohol expert but I'm pretty sure there's not one heroin addict that could do that. Sometimes I think food addiction is the hardest one to kick.
The trick? Find something NOT harmful to help you deal with your feelings. Don't reach for a chocolate, a pizza, that scotch or glass of champagne. Find something else that is not harmful that helps you calm down or express yourself.
I love to draw so I have bought sketch pads, pencils and a "learn how to draw" book. I love make-up and sometimes just sit on the floor in front of my mirrored wardrobe and try different ideas on myself. I now often turn off the TV and listen to music, and I'm in the process of learning how to start my vertical herb garden that my incredibly talented brother-in-law made and is sitting on my balcony becoming me to create something wonderful.
And, finally, just this last weekend I managed to get pretty and get out of the house with my beautiful mummy and have a fun night out with some of my family watching a crazy-ass play my cousin was in (love you Sammy). It was fun to get pretty and even more fun to see my family. (pics below)
So, my humble apologies for not writing for so long, I really didn't know what to write whilst in the midst of my own personal hell. I'm certainly not out the other side, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am certain I will get there. Thank you so much for your support and your interest in my blog and my story. I hope my open and honest posts touch some of you to love yourself more and be more understanding of others on their journey.
Big hugs,
V. xx
